krookid_silence's Xanga

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Thu, 10 Mar 2005 13:50:40 GMT

POPCORN IN ONE HAND, A KEYBOARD IN THE OTHER

So, Mike called me yesterday...the kid I met at Paul's. I guess Sam said to Paul that I feel like Mike is in love with me. I'm fucking pissed. I never said that. The only thing I was concerned about was leading Mike on because I'm good at doing that. I'm not going to break up with Johnny anytime soon, and I'm going to have to tell Mike that. I first met Mike when Johnny was going on his bender and I was interested only because I thought Johnny wasn't coming back. So, I've decided to stick with Johnny because I love him...until he gives me more reason to hate him.

Party at Bill's on Saturday night. Johnny said he'd go with me, but it's going to be weird. I'll be in the same house as Bill, Pete, and Johnny....ugh. I won't be able to be the usual flirty me with Johnny around...not to mention his beef with Letourneau. We'll stay long enough to let people know I made my appearance. I don't feel like being awkward all night. But at the same time, I don't want to go without Johnny.

Last night, Johnny felt sick. It was so cute. I guess everyone's going snowmobiling again this weekend. He went last weekend and he said he's not going this weekend because he wants to spend the weekend with me. Plus, I think he's sick from being in the cold and breathing in cold air. And he said he was sweating a lot when he was snowmobiling, so cold sweats can make ya sick, too. He was so adorable last night.

Well, ummm...I can't think of anything else going on in my life. Soooo...yeah

*~*Malia*~*

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Wed, 09 Mar 2005 14:19:54 GMT

SORTA BLEK EEK SHMUGLADOFF

So, I'm in shop. We had a 2-hour delay. My hand hurts really bad because I tried opening my frozen door and it pulled my fingernail back and now my middle finger hurts badly. Maybe I should wave it around...? Do you have any idea how hard it is to type with nails on? Oh My God it sucks! And don't you hate when you have that little piece of skin hanging off your finger and you can't get it because your nails are way too long? I know, it sucks.

So I'm going to my dad's house today to use him for his laundritizing facilities. Yes, I'm doing my laundry there. Then, hopefully I'm going to see my little itty bitty skank tonight. So, my life is rather uneventful. Snow and wind suck...DON'T FORGET IT KIDDIES!

*~*Malia*~*

Monday, March 07, 2005

Mon, 07 Mar 2005 13:43:26 GMT

LONG TIME NO UPDATE

So, Johnny and I are back together. I found out he cheated on me but things are going good. I don't trust him as far as I can spit but I love him and I know we can work through this. He isn't allowed to go to Adam and Missy's anymore. Thank God I finally had a reason to keep him away from there. I hated him going there. So, he doesn't do pills anymore because he doesn't want to jeopardize our relationship. It'll take a while to get over it and trust him again. I mean, he fucked up big time. It takes a lot for me to trust people as it is, and I did trust him. There's still so much I want to tell him and ask him. Last night, we were at Mikey's and he was saying how hot his spanish teacher was and he was saying someone else was hot, too. So I started talking about people I fucked. He like tweaked out. And I all of a sudden got wicked self-concious and went and got my sweatshirt and put it on. I told him how it made me feel everytime he said how hot other girls were and how he did sit there and brag about how he fucked a 38-year-old in his apartment complex. I mean, he cheated on me, I feel shit enough about myself over that. So, yeah, a lot has happened over the days I haven't updated but it's tough typing with nails on so blah.

*~*Malia*~*

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Wed, 23 Feb 2005 03:55:49 GMT

HEARTBROKEN

Well, tonight, Johnny broke up with me.   He claims it's only temporary because he's "going downhill and doesn't want to take me with him." So, I'm crushed. The tears haven't hit yet, but they probably will. I've decided to wait a week...give him whatever space he needs and then call him.
    I'm not even going to begin to explain the beginning of my vacation, but it sucked. So, yeah, nothing's really been going on lately. I'm crushed. I really hope he comes back. He was supposed to call me back but hasn't yet. So, I'll just let him be.
    Anyways, heartbreak is really the only thing going on with me. I talked to Pete for a while today.   I saw him up at Bill's and we went for a ride and talked about anything and everything that's been going on...or hasn't been going on in our lives. Being at Bill's is cool for a short period of time. I'm just fed up with everything I guess. It's weird being up there now. Well, not really anymore because I've been going up there for the past few days. I think tomorrow, I'm going to go hang out with Tasha. She seems to be my "day-after-heartbreak" remedy lately haha. So yeah...to all of those with boyfriends...I don't really want to hear about how good of a time you had doing this and that. Keep your perfect relationships away from me for right now.

*~*Malia*~*

Friday, February 18, 2005

Fri, 18 Feb 2005 13:49:01 GMT

BREAK IN SHOP

Well, last night, I just chilled out. I talked to Johnny and he was working a lot. I was on the phone with Tasha for most of the night. Johnny called me when I was in bed and he was sooo sweet. He was like, "so I guess I have to come out there tomorrow, huh?" I could have just squeezed his cheeks. But we're in shop now. Gina and I have to alphabetically order the VICA forms, so we'll be going at that all damn day. Well, we have to organize whose going to finish that or sell yearbooks because we usually sell yearbooks at lunch time. I just can't wait to go home.

*~*Malia*~*

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Thu, 17 Feb 2005 13:39:47 GMT

BLAH

Well, Johnny and I talked last night. He feels like coming out to my house is "too far during the week." So I guess I won't be seeing him during the week because I'm not puting any effort into this right now. I'll put as much as he is. I love him a lot, I just don't want him hurting me anymore. It's not even that he's been hurting me, he's just been moody which makes me moody and yadda yadda yadda.

I've come to terms that I suck. I've realized today that I am just "not good enough." I mean, I'm not going to get into any detail or anything, I'm just not feeling mentally well today. When it comes to school, I'm just not as good as some. I feel like I'm always in competition with some people and I always lose. So, I'll write a seperate entry later that will be private...

I guess Tara has the flu. GET BETTER TARA! BUT DON'T COME TO SCHOOL AND GIVE IT TO ME!! haha. I really feel like shit. I might dismiss myself today and just go home and relax. I need to relax. Tonight, I'm doing all of the laundry and cleaning. So, I might as well just go home and chill out before I do all of that.

I don't know what's going on for me and Johnny tonight. I know that he's always too tired during the week to come up and see me and I'm going to be cleaning...so it's all on him. If he's "too tired" then oh well, if he's willing to come up and see me, then that'll prove a lot. I don't even know what's going on for this weekend. I want to see him but, I don't want to like deal with him drinking or saying we're going to go somewhere and we never do. I'm just going to play it by ear, I guess. Well, I think I'm going to go call Mom and have her dismiss me. I feel like wicked shit for some reason.

*~*Malia*~*

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Wed, 16 Feb 2005 18:10:42 GMT

SHOP WITH SOME CHAPPED-ASS LIPS MAN!

Well, I'm in shop. Tasha did not just out herself. So, yeah, yesterday morning I had to give Tasha, the skank, a ride to school. We had a field trip yesterday. It was boring, until Pizza Hut. There was a pizza buffet, awww it was like an orgasm of the taste buds. So, yeah right now, there's this kid with a mohawk in here that talks really weird. But anyways, Tasha ended up coming home with me last night. We went to get my nails done. So right now, they are like a really light, metallic blue. We chilled at my house pretty much all night. Johnny was too tired to hang out. I was willing to go over there and everything. So, yeah I don't know if he's working tonight. If he is, I'm just going to chill out and sleep or something.

I'm wicked tired today. I got a good night sleep last night, too, considering Johnny was asleep at like 7:30. So, I've decided that D. is against me. Everytime I'm online, he yells. Same with Tasha, but if it's anyone else, he doesn't care...ugh it makes me mad

*~*Malia*~*

Monday, February 14, 2005

Mon, 14 Feb 2005 21:54:52 GMT

I'M FEELING ALRIGHT

Well, today shop was rather normal. D threatened me with a detention if I didn't shut up. It's just that whenever I'm in shop, I have the most fun I can have because all my girls are in there and we are a bunch of idiots together. So, after school, Dad called and said he was coming over to say hi. I met him down in his truck and we talked for a while. He gave me a Valentine's Day card that had $20 in it and the card was beautiful. I loved it. I just got off the phone with Mom and she said that it's wonderful and maybe he's really trying. I think he might be. But I'm reading too much into it and, well, I don't want to get my hopes up about having a father. I'm going to write him a nice Valentine's Day letter. I'm going to tell him how I feel. I'll put it in here when I'm done...

*~*Malia*~*

Monday, February 14, 2005

Mon, 14 Feb 2005 02:33:15 GMT

TOTALLY VENTING    SO IT'S GUNNA BE A LONG ONE

I have got to snap out of this paranoia stage. I mean, I'm hurting myself over things that I shouldn't even worry about.
So, last time I wrote was on Thursday...A lot's happened since then. Thursday after school, Johnny called and said he didn't have to work. I was so fucking glad. I missed him so much. So I met up with him at Mikey's. It started snowing out. He took me with him on some errands he had to run. His car broke down on Main Street in Palmer. So he had to push it to the gas station while I steered. It was so funny. He had a transmission leak. So he was puting transmission fluid in his car. He was so cute. He kept apologizing for it. I was like, "Babe, don't be sorry." We went to his work and he talked to his boss for a while and put more transmission fluid in his car. Then, we went back to Mikey's. Sam and Davis were there. It was so good seeing Davis. Johnny seemed kind of pissed though and I think it's because I was talking to Davis a lot.
    We ended up going back to his house. Mom said it was okay that I stayed there because of the snow. We were up for a while and it was so nice being in his arms. He held me all night. At one point, he got up and came back in and I heard him whisper "I love you, baby." And the funny thing is, I think he thought I was sleeping, which makes it that much cuter. Brad came home and started bitching at him over pizza. I guess Brad was pretty smashed. So, I sat up with Johnny for a while and we just chilled. He told me he loved me like 3 times. I just couldn't say it back for some reason. I just kept going "oh, yeah?"
    We woke up and I had a 2 hour delay. I decided to skip and he didn't go to work because of his car. So we went back to sleep until like 11. Then, I went home to shower and he went to his grandfather's shop with his car. I got back there around 1-1:30. I took him on all his errands he had to run. I let him drive my car to Westfield to the auto parts store. He showed me where he worked and stuff. Then, I went back to his grandfather's shop with him while he fixed his car. I left at 4:30 because I had to babysit for Kristi. The kids were okay. Sarah got Spaghetti-O's everywhere. I was pissed. But Kristi came home early, so I went to Mikey's because Johnny was there. I was in a wicked bad mood at first because he was drunk and being kind of annoying. There were these girls there and one of them was wicked pretty. That made me even more mad. Sam showed up and I chilled with her for a while. After Michalak and those girls left, it was just me, Sam, Mikey, and Johnny. Johnny was so sweet. He kept telling me he loved me and shit. I didn't say it back because he was drunk. He was saying such nice things though. But I went home around 12.
    Yesterday, I woke up at like 9 because Sam called. She was supposed to come back to my house Friday night but she passed out at Mikey's. Not that I really minded because she had been drinking. I really didn't want her driving just in case. She ended coming up at like 10. Johnny didn't call me until like 12. He said he was drunk. I was kind of pissed. After Sam left, I went to Bill's house to see what was going on there. Mike and Davis were the only ones there. I did myself up so nice yesterday. Davis said I looked beautiful. I didn't stay there long, I ended up leaving. Johnny called me like when I was in Palmer and asked me to meet him at Mikey's. So I did. I was being a bitch because Johnny was drunk and it made me mad. They went to this Lazer 99.3 thing that was going on in Palmer. I passed it on my way to Bill's. It was on Rte. 20 right on that turn that drops to 25mph. I was kind of pissed that he was there all that time while I was waiting for his call. Then he had to bring up how the girls were wearing leather and how there's nothing better than a chick in leather. I guess they took pictures with those girls and wanted to go back and get them. Johnny said he had one of the girl's number and was going to call her. They were all talking about going back there and stuff. I was pissed. So I grabbed my phone and jacket and stormed out. As I was walking out I said, "Listen, I'm sorry I'm not one of those 99.3 chicks." Sam followed me and calmed me down. Johnny came down and I just told him I didn't feel like dealing with him because he was drunk. He went back up and me and Sam just talked. Johnny came back down and Sam left because she had to babysit. Johnny assured me that I was better than those girls. I couldn't help but smile and he said he loved my smile. He asked me if I wanted to go back to his place, so we did. But as we were leaving, I took a right and he took a left. I got sooo pissed. I started balling my eyes out. I don't know why. Then he called me and said he was just taking the back roads but turned around he was going to catch up to me. I got to his house and he showed up shortly afterward. He said he spun out twice just trying to catch up with me. He was saying how he hit snowbanks and shit. I felt kind of bad, but he deserved it. We chilled there for a while and he was being so sweet. I couldn't help but just love him.
    We went back to the 99.3 thing because he felt that I should see what was going on. Brad was there and he was drunk and hitting on me. I was just like, whatever. Brad brought up how on Thursday, the 99.3 chicks were going to be at Hooter's and asked Johnny to go. He was like, "you're getting me in trouble man." Oh wait, before we left, Johnny was kind of pissing me off. I told him straight out, "This is going to be the first and last time I tell you this...I left my previous relationship because I was feeling like shit. I won't put up with it again." He apologized for making me feel that way. I told him how it pissed me off how he makes it seem like I'm so much younger than he is. He kept asking me to behave while we were in the bar. He made it seem like I couldn't control myself in public. But I showed him...I was dead silent the whole time. We ended up leaving though because he got carded. So we went to his aunt's house. They're cool people. We got pizza and hung out there for a while. Then, we went to Adam and Missy's. They treat their kid like shit! It was 10 and she was still up! We ended up going back to Mikey's and Mitch was there. He's definitely a weirdo. It was cool, though. Mom called and started bitching. I tried to calm her down. I ended up staying at Johnny's. We were up for a bit. My allergies were bothering me. We talked about how I felt about myself because he asked me what I had pinned on that goals sheet in my car. He kept telling me I was beautiful. He said that someone should tell me that for a while so I start believing it. It was awesome. He had to tell me about how Friday night, he went up to his ex's house because he hadn't seen her in a while. He said he slept in his car, but my paranoias are flaring up, so I'm thinking, "What if he stayed there?" and all this happy horse shit. He said he was only there for like 15 minutes because she wouldn't stop crying. That just pissed me off. He said she tried to kiss him and shit. I was getting kind of freaked out but he said he would never do anything like that because he has a girlfriend. He assured me I could trust him whether he was drunk or not. Earlier in the night I told him how I wouldn't trust him when he's drunk. I don't trust anyone when they're drunk. Which...I'm not sure if I fully trust him yet at all. But I won't tell him that. We fell asleep and almost all night, we were on seperate ends of the bed. This morning, I just kind of left after I woke up. We held eachother for a bit. I was hoping he'd come up after he did whatever he had to do. So I came home and chilled with mom for a while. I ended up taking a nap because I was so tired for some reason and still am. I woke up to my phone ringing, it was Tasha. Thank God she called because it was like almost 4. So I talked to her, then tried calling Johnny. I asked him if he wanted to come over. He said he'd call me back. He never did. So I talked to Tasha while I cleaned and took a bath. She made me feel better. Johnny finally called around 9:30. I was like pissed. He sounded like he was in a wicked bad mood. He ended up just letting me go. I'm still kind of pissed about it. I'm going to call him tomorrow after school like he told me to. I hope he's not working. It's Valentine's Day and he hasn't even mentioned it. I wonder if he even cares about it. I sorta do, but I wouldn't be bummed if I didn't get flowers or anything. I haven't mentioned it either. He just doesn't seem like the Valentine's type. I don't know.
But I'm going to bed. I need to stop thinking for a bit...

*~*Malia*~*

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Thu, 10 Feb 2005 12:21:56 GMT

ALLERGIES SUCK

Well, I went to Monson last night to see Dad. He was doing something for Barbie...I really hope they aren't getting back together. I stayed there for like a half hour. I ended up going to Johnny's. I managed to get lost on the way there. I'm never taking that way again. I can't believe I got lost. When I got there, he was trying to do his bills. He's so funny. Heather called him as I was getting ready to leave. I got kind of pissed. So, I asked him if he was in love with her. He swore they were just friends and what happened with her before was then. But he said he was in love with her--as a friend. How could you be in love with someone as a friend? I didn't mean to like flip out on him. He called me when I was in town and we talked. I accidently told him how much he meant to me. I can't do that again until he says something first. I told him that I'm the most stubborn and cautious person I know. I told him about how love was one of my greatest fears. He said I seem to be pushing myself away and maybe I am. I totally don't mean to. It's just a reaction. I wonder if I did that with Pete...? I can't really remember now. I told him that all of my emotions are in his hands to do whatever he wants with...I just hope it all works out. I'm still going to be sketched out with this Heather thing...but I guess I can't really talk because I still have wicked feelings for Bill. I just hope everything I said doesn't scare him away. I'm just going to cool it with talking about my feelings for a bit. I'm going to write him a Valentine's Day letter...because talking just doesn't work.

I'm in Mrs. Holland's room right now for the Quinsig test. The woman hasn't showed up yet, so I figured I'd write about my night. I cried last night. I get so pissed at myself when I start getting paranoid. I talked to Mom for a bit before I went to bed last night. I guess Brian's going to buy that apartment building and it'll be redone in a few months. So we're going to be moving out. There's a bedroom upstairs and it's going to be mine! So when I need my space, I can go upstairs. This is going to be awesome! We can do anything we want when Brian starts working on the place. I think I'm going to paint my walls blue with a really nice carpet or something. I don't know, we'll see! I'm so excited. Tonight, I'm going grocery shopping and doing whatever else. It all depends on if Johnny has to work or not. I hope the snow starts soon. I don't want to be here for a full day. Damn snow...getting our hopes up like that! Mom gave Paul my taxes. I guess I'm getting around $300 back. Thank God...there's most of my insurance and maybe even work on my car. I can't wait! $300 is better than nothing.

I need a job. I guess I'll go to McDonald's today to see what's going on. I'm doing good this week with my school work. I've been getting it all done to the best of my ability. I just hope this test goes alright.

Well, I'm bored...so I'm going to just chill out.

*~*Malia*~*